The Last Afternoon of Spring
Nishat Amin
The balcony of this house is so much spacious and south-faced. The wind can also be enjoyed by standing at the balcony as it is Falgun. To enjoy the spring air or by being mesmerized by the beauty of ...
The Last Afternoon of Spring
Nishat Amin
The balcony of this house is so much spacious and south-faced. The wind can also be enjoyed by standing at the balcony as it is Falgun. To enjoy the spring air or by being mesmerized by the beauty of the garden - here is a daily living of a sparrow couple. As soon as it is morning, the two birds fly here from some unknown place, sit on the railing of the veranda or chirp by sitting on the flower’s pot. After I started to live in this flat, I have been observing them for two years. It feels so good to see those two birds, what an extraordinary love for each other, no exhaustion, no irritation. Sometimes it comes to my mind that it would have been better If I was a bird instead of being a human, at least I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loving someone eternally.
I’m married for two years. I have come to this flat just after the marriage. My husband, Ishtiaque, is a very smart and attractive man. But I am not that beautiful, since the Bengali girl’s beautification is measured on the basis of their skin shade, considering that I am a bit ugly for my darker shade of skin. Our marriage took place by the family arrangement. My uncle and Ishtiaque’s father worked together at PWD. It was my uncle who brought this proposal. For depending on the colleague or any other reason, Ishtiaque’s father liked me very much, although at that time they were looking many other girls also. My father did not have his full consent on this proposal because Ishtiaque was from Mymensingh. According to my father, the people of Mymensingh are narrow-minded; my father’s concern was how much I will be happy on there. But in the end father could not disagree on this any longer for my uncle’s insistence. And our marriage took place in quite a rush before even I could understand Ishtiaq properly. How much Ishtiaque liked me at that time I do not know but to me he was my dream boy. I had not known any other boy that much before Ishtiaque. I didn’t realize when the time flew away while studying at school-college-university. And for being my family very much conservative I didn’t get much chance to mix with people except for a few close friends. From the moment I realized the feelings named ‘love’, I started to dream of a life partner, a husband. Although the love for Ishtiaque sprouted after the marriage, but the seed of that tree was sown when I was sixteen. Whenever I was hurt or felt lonely I dreamt that someone will come who will be only mine, will love me, will protect me at any cost. But the reality presented itself to me in a different way. After few days of the marriage, I had realized that I am not Ishtiaque’s dream girl from any angle. The anguish of my shattered dream at one side and the misery of not getting close to my loved one on the other side, my mental condition was completely broken-down. So many times I have asked Ishtiaque- are you happy with me? Every time he answered- I am happy. Even it is not expressed in words but from his behavior I realized easily the depth of his feelings for me. He never wanted me by his own. Whenever he unified with me physically by responding to my own need, there was irritation more than pleasure in that union. There was one thing clear to me from Ishtiaque’s behavior that he has another dependable source for physical necessity. I felt so much helpless. So many nights I passed being awake, so much tears shed, prayed to the Almighty, oh God fulfill me so that my husband finds his satisfaction in me. But where is what, the amount of Ishtiaque’s negligence kept increasing day by day. I kept searching wildly for who is the other source, the reason of his negligence to me. And like this the distance between us kept widening day by day. The tension for Ishtiaque whole day and his rejection at night continued to give me mentally death sentence every time. Almost a year passed like this. Leaving Ishtiaque or bearing his negligence- I did not have the mental strength for either of them. At last I decided to commit suicide to escape from this suffering. That night I took twenty sleeping pills one by one. Then even I do not know when I lost my consciousness for the unbearable pain.
Two days after that I discovered myself in the hospital bed. Then I came to my father’s home after three more days of bed-rest in the hospital. To avert the impending condemnation and the legal troubles, willingly or unwillingly these few days Ishtiaque took care of me very much. After living at my father’s home nearly a week, Ishtiaque came to take me with him. For a few days our relationship went well, and then everything went back to the former situation. Feeling death from the very near and living again-it taught me the value to live life in a new way. To get relief from long term depression and to get back self confidence, I went to a psychiatrist, Dr. Taposh Kumar, on a friend’s suggestion. The thing which helped me much more than the medicine from Dr. Taposh’s six months’ course is the counseling in every week. I opened to the doctor about everything from the beginning till now, and also told even now how much I love Ishtiaque. Dr. Taposh made me assimilate the spell of self-love. He taught me to realize that shattering one dream of life does not mean the termination of dreaming again. One day astonishingly I noticed that Ishtiaque’s negligence isn’t hurting me like it did before.
Today this afternoon of spring is the last afternoon of my and Ishtiaque’s chapter. I know my exit will not bring much of a change in Ishtiaque’s life. He even wants this silently. And even I am very much self-confident now. I am coming out for the introduction of my new life. There is no grief for the days left behind, only feeling sad for the sparrow couple who accompanied me every time for the last two years
